Infinite bienseance and obeisance from the North of the island! A nod, a wave and a courteous devoir to all who enjoy the updates from damp Caledonia! To the unclubbable correspondent DeeDee – a big rotten rasp for your penicranial inversion! Still, keep up the self-publishing and maybe some publisher will take notice, DD – keep trying.
What an epoch for Alba. Every Scotch person is so proud of our ain Proclaimers, two boys who are so alike they could be mistaken for twins.
Here at Whitefeather Cottage we played the song continuously on the old radiogram for 5 days solid after it got to number 1. "Oh Ah wid walk five hunner miles an' Ah wid walk five hunner more…" Then the Council served the ASBO. This is what makes Scotchland a nation in her own right. No other country could produce ONE Proclaimer, never mind TWO! That and WE invented Irn-Bru.
Ecosse has been basking in a fantastic spell of weather – 2 whole days without rain, and as a nation we are all rejoicing. I even stole a pair of sunglasses from Boots, just in case we get another day of sunshine later in the year. When I tried them off somebody shouted, "There's Freddy Krugger,"and on displaying them to the family there was a chorus of "NOOOO's". We took full advantage of the day without rain (as the history books will record it). Mrs Whitefeather and I went to Edinburgh zoo with our 13 children. The look on the monkey's faces gave us a great laugh. Do you know they all gathered at the front of their cage and stood watching us, their mouths hanging open. An ignorant man nearby was miseducating his son, telling the child that we too were once monkey's. I will pray for him. Idiot! I managed to constrain myself, especially when somebody gave me a banana. I left the skin near him in the hope he might slip.
Aunt Monsinia died the other week. It meant the gathering of the extended Whitefeather family. Unfortunately, it was clear from the moment he arrived that Uncle Evershill Whitefeather II had been partaking freely of the grape.
Following night prayers at the church, I was surprised to see uncle disappear into the Confessional Box. After a minute of silence, the priest gently knocked the internal wall. "Sorry pal," chirped uncle,"There's no paper in this one either." Of course at such times, one is reminded of one's own mortality. Mrs Whitefeather says she will have my ashes made into an egg-timer so I can still help around the kitchen. Every silver lining has a cloud, eh?
She is so good to me, my dear wife. I remember when we first got together, I asked her if I was the first person ever to sleep with her. She said if I slept then I would be the first. I am forever in her debt as the song goes and just to sit there watching her at the ironing board – spit bucket placed strategically at the side. Wharagal!!! I accompanied her to a fortune teller last Tuesday and missed a feature length Taggart. What a waste of time. The woman seer was hopeless. She took my hand and looked carefully at my palm. "I see you are the father of ten children," she said. "No. Thirteen," I beamed. "No. Ten," she said.
Elmer jnr is still causing concern. Using my extensive contact network I arranged for Archie Hungjaw to take the boy into his employ. Elmer was sacked on his first day – for laughing! I went down to see Archie and try and mitigate on the boy's behalf, but Archie said Elmer was not suitable for driving the hearse. I thereafter managed to secure him a position at the local supermarket. The manager had promised me he would make sure my eldest had it easy. On the first day, Elmer was told to sweep the stock room floor. "But I'm a Whitefeather," he protesteth. "Oh, right. I'll show you how it's done," said the manager. Now he is going for an interview at the circumcision unit at the local hospital. The wages aren't much but I'm told there are lots of tips.
Now, dear brethren, comrades, friends, most of you know that I am the embodiment of the Rock'n'Roll lifestyle. Oh yes. I am actually wearing my Pink Lace T shirt as I write. But yesterday a group of us were enjoying the Duke of Edinburgh Reel – always a floor filler. Suddenly, Mrs Paisley, my housekeeper, interrupted to say my presence was required at the main entrance. "'Tis a political person," she confided. I went to the door and observed a most wretched woman whom I initially thought was wearing a vulture mask. "I'm from the Christian Party. Have you found Jeesis?" she whined. "I didn't know he went to parties, but you're welcome to come in and see if he's here," I answered.
As ever dear one's I depart with an interesting and liberating thought for your consideration. Why don't nursing homes prescribe Viagra to elderly male patients to stop them rolling out of bed at night?
Slanje,
Elmer Whitefeather
